December 07, 2004

back at home

finally back at home. sleeping on my own bed..showering in my own bathroom...absolutely heavenly. tasting the great food again is a definate plus point too in coming home. everything is good here...well not everything...i'm missing the people i've met in melbourne terribly. i miss imran and clement. miss their nonsense. haha..i hope i'll be able to meet up with them when i go down to s'pore. can't imagine life next year without them..haih...have to wait two years before they will be back studying with us in melbourne!! time flies..and i hope it really does!

anyway...this will be a short post cause my laptop is running out of battery. so till the next update...to you who might or might not read this...the memories i have of us will remain forever in me...missing u...

November 30, 2004

last post in melbourne

thought of updating since this will be the last post i'll be typing in my room number 311 in carlton melbourne college. internet conenction will be terminated on the 1st of december. so no more blogging till i get home. HOME!! i'll be flying on mechanical wings on the 5th..this sunday!! yay! can't wait. but i will and defintely miss all the people i have met here in trinity and also to the people i have become close to. will definately miss all the nonsense and embarassing stuff we've done this past year. life next year will be different...meeting different people, starting new courses, determining the future me. oh well...the start of a new chapter and the end of another. the circle of life.

can't wait to get home though. i want the SUN! i am too fair now...too disgustingly fair! i need my tan again! have to go back to my swimming and gymming. jit..remember the treadmill evenings..haha..have to get back to that. will be going to damai laut, lumut in dec!! yay! oh then will be going down to s'pore! must meet up with all the s'porean people when i go down. will contact u all when i get there!!

ok i think this is enough for my lat blog. to everyone i know and have become aquainted with this year....SEE YOU IN 2005...remember this is not goodbye.

November 26, 2004

celebrating!!

ok..maths 2 is finally over..but...argh!! i'll be having this cloud of uncertainty hanging over my head until the results come are sent to me via e-mail. now everything depends on the two numbers of my average percentile to determine my fate! sounding dramatic here but I AM A DRAMATIC! all those who know me will tell u that. :) anyway, i'm trying to put it all behind me and look forward to returning to my bed and to my OWN bathroom! can't wait to go home and celebrate chinese new year...collecting ang pow! hehe...

i think this is all i can come up with for this posting. till the next update....two miserable numbers=the determinant of fate!! HOW ABSURD!

November 22, 2004

AARGHH!!!!!!!!

ARRRRRGH!!!!!!! maths has just killed me! i know it sound over the top but on my terms...according to my standards..i have disappointed myself. why must i be so damn ambitious?! a slight failure to me is a huge disaster! i admire people who can handle disappointment with grace...who are capable of looking at the brighter side of things. i am a through and through pessimist! since i have officially messed up my maths, my future in the medical faculty of melbourne uni is a step further away from my grasp. i want to be in the medical field!!!!!! i want!!!!! but my brain is not capable of it...i'm just not smart enough! if only i was born a genius. no...i have to be contented with what i am and work on my weaknesses. my mind is what i think it to be. be strong. strength and perseverence are the only elements which can pull anyone out from despair and disappointment. do i have the strength? do i have the perseverence to continue with this race? this race set by my overly ambitious self? competitiveness always makes me land up in this situation. if only...

jika dunia aku yang punya
akan ku dirikan
sebuah syurga untuk ku kemudi
sepanjang masa tanpa kecewa
bertemankan bintang yang setia
bagaikan puteri
kisah khayalan
yang hidupnya suci dan sempurna
tapi sayang hanylah impian

hanyalah impian.....impianku untuk membentuk diriku yang bebas dari segala keburukan..segala kelemahan yang kini ku hadapi...hanyalah impian.

November 20, 2004

i have wronged

this entry will be a short entry for no apparent reason. i have wronged someone...so to u i would like to say sorry. i am sorry for what i have done. i am sorry for the turmoil and perhaps pain i have caused u. i am sorry for everything which has happened. i am truly sorry.

i am unwise because i have judged. however..i am sorry to u because this judgement has already seeded itself in me and has started to bloom. i'm sorry for i cannot be wise. the wise do not judge but i have judged. therefore i am unwise and unwise i shall remain for its roots have gripped me too tightly to be untwined. i am sorry.

however, i will try to make it all seem right...to make me seem wise or maybe even be wise...if that is ever possible. i cannot guarantee anything for i myself am too fickle and uncertain. i know this entry seems to be full of conflicting ideas and feelings. i am a hypocrite by nature. i am sorry.

sorry.

November 15, 2004

selamat hari raya

SELAMAT HARI RAYA to all! eventhough i don't celebrate it but i do miss it. all the public holidays and the music...eventhough they were damn annoying back home. every single shopping mall would be playing the same 'selamat hari raya' song. haha... but i guess that made the atmosphere a festive one. oh no..i'll be missing the rendang and curry and kuihs from my neighbour this year...and i'll be missing all the tasty sweet dates! i'll also miss the semangat kejiranan it was always during the different festivals where u'll see the tolong menolong, toleransi, satu padu, kejiranan, kerjasama, tolak ansur antara kaum. not forgetting all the other nilai-nilai murni that we learnt in pendidikan moral. actually i just realised that i've never been to a rumah buka before during hari raya or deepavali. i've only been to a rumah buka of a friend of mine during chinese new year. i should go to the menteri's house la one of these days. imagine going into sharifah's house...menteri in charge of bangsar. has she actually done anything good for bangsar? i wonder... the roads around tmc are still filled with pot-holes...the sports complex is kind of dilapitated...crime rate has gone up...on well...politicians and thier words of promise during election season can never be trusted. politicians and the word trust can never go hand in hand. politians are bagai enau melepaskan pucuk masing-masing...is that the correct proverb? well fellow m'sians who went through pmr and spm will know what i'm talking about. remember all the malay proverbs we had to memorize for exam? phew..thanks goodness it's all over! i wonder how many proverbs i still can remember...i won't torture u with them here..haha.

well...if u have been diligently reading imran's, christina's and zoe's blog u would have found out about our desperate attempt to remain dry with only the cover of one miserable umbrella. imagine the four of us under a foldable umbrella from big w! kind of pathetic. but what the heck! we had fun laughing all the way and i bet it will be one of those unforgettable memories. the things we four do! imagine us growing old and when we have our kids we'll be re-telling our stories...and we'll refer to one another as aunty christina, aunty zoe, aunty anthea and pak cik imran. haha..that'll be the day! college life..unforgettable!

there's nothing much to blog now. exams are comign up and i'm in hot soup. i will never learn that procrastinating is bad..i'll never learn that last minute work is bad. i'm a person who works better under preassure i guess. the way i studied for my past exams never fails to amaze me! i can't imagine i managed to cramp in 2 years of work in just 2 days or was it overnight? oh i did that for physics i think. haha..amazing!

ok..going to the library soon...to be the good student i am suppose to be! until the next update...memories are timeless.



November 06, 2004

unjust

the world is an unfair place! unjust..everywhere..in every living soul's life. will there be a day when true justice prevails? will there be a day when i can say 'i live in a fair world'? no..it'll never be..an illusion meant only for idealist. i am not an idealist..perhaps i should become one..fighting the loosing battle. if u're an idealist do u become a pessimist or an optimist? if u're an idealist do u become a dreamer or a realist? so many dimensions to such a simple concept of the word 'idealist'. i guess kharma is the best way to console my cry for a just world. kharma...everyone will get what they deserve in due course. will the bitches of the world get thier fair share of spite? will the politicians ever feel the real deal of thier doings? kharma...to believe is to have faith...to have faith is to sit and wait? im confused! i'm in conflict! so many cases of the innocent and good being wronged by others is evident in our lives today. why? why? why? we believe in heaven and the last judgement...it is a bit of an illusion..don't u think so? words of the bible to comfort the fears of man. receiving fairness after death while suffering and being misjudge throughout life on earth. kind of a bleak image don't u think? no...we must have faith...faith that one day all evil and injustice will be no more. faith...so fragile in some and yet so strong in others.

sorry if i have offended anyone with my words. they were not intended to hurt or question anyone's beliefs. they were also not intended to be imposed on anyone. beliefs are private and individual. i respect that. until the next update...is the future as bright as we perceive it to be?

November 05, 2004

conflict

can anything go back to the way they were? i doubt so. is this resentment, jealousy, hurt or anger that i feel? i do not know. my feelings for u are vague and multiple. i can never define the way i feel towards u. the way i treat u may not reflect my true desire...or does it? i do not know. i am distant and i am cold...without a definate reason. i said i have turned my back on what was and that is true...perhaps a lingering feeling of resentment still prevails...but that cannot be. i do not feel the same, i do not look at u in the same light anymore. yes...that is right...the past is the past. i am living for the present, feeling for the present. i do appreciated the days u filled with joy and memories for me...but they will never come round again. i will try my best to be civil, to be friendly...but there will be always something holding me back from fully committing myself, from being as normal as i was then in front of u. again...i do not know the logic behind this puzzle. the only thing i do know is that i will remember u as a friend forever...keep that in mind.

changes
turning our worlds, lives
changing for the better
or maybe the worst
take what comes
withstand the consequences
once changed
never undone
forget the me i once was
accept the me i am now
hold on to memories if u live by them
but treasure them if u live now

until the next update....i dream, i wake : i live, i die.

November 04, 2004

thoughts...

i couldn't sleep so decided to write a bit. nothing much has been happening except the realisation that the year is coming to an end. oh and there's been a tremendous increase in photo taking! a snap of a moment imprinted for life. i was just reflecting on my whole year here and i've discovered that i have learnt so much in such a short time especially things about myself which i never knew was in me. i've become so close to certain people here that i know i'll be leaving them with a heavy heart. i'll miss the nonsense and the weird stuffs we do together, i'll miss the 'meetings' we have, i'll miss the laughing sessions in the kitchen, i'll miss everything! haih... i'll especially miss one person...u know who u are. this person has kept me afloat throughout my days here; this person i have shared my inner most feelings and thoughts with; this person who accepted all my nonsense; this person who has tolerated all my lamenting; this person who i can talk to openly at anytime; this person who personifies loyalty. i will definately miss u. another person i'll also definately miss is my 'almost-my-neighbour'. this person i have shared tears and laughter with; this person who has accepted me for me; this person who is totally weird but extremely fun to have around; this person who i have shared limitless gossips with; this person who has proven to me that nothing is impossible. to these two special people i thank and to these two people i owe a year of wonderful and unforgettable memories which i'll cherish and imprint in my mind. my memories of the two of u will never be erased by time or distance. love u two loads! i better stop before the tears stain this 'page'..haha..u know how emotional i get! until the next update....company is good but good company is beyond words.

October 29, 2004

individualism

recently i have read and seen a cry for individualism in people my age. they go on to talk about how everyone is an individual with different thoughts and different personalities. the issue of doing what one thinks is right, doing what one thinks represents oneself, doing what one thinks is called 'being an individual'. but have they ever wondered whether by just doing all those things they are actually victims of the herd mentality? in actual fact none of us can categorize ourself as being a total individual. none of us can even have the right to say that. whatever thought, speech, gesture of ours have already been pre-governed, pre-set by our perception of the norm. none of us want to be alienated. all of us have an embedded fear of being an outcast. subconsciously no matter how loud, no matter how adament we try to prove that we are an individual...we are not. the very fact that we tend to speak the way we do shows our wanting to fit in...the very fact that we even bother to get a certain 'hairstyle' or a piece of clothing just goes to show that we have already fallen into the grasps of society's norms. society's norms...hence proving further that we all are victims of the herd mentality. none of us can deny that nor escape from it. so bullshit to those who claims to be an individual. just by bellowing thoughts and theories of invidualism does not make one an individual. INDIVIDUALISM IS NOT JUST ALL TALK! to be is to be it, to live it, to breathe it, to die by it. by writing this entry i am not trying to prove that i am an individual but i am just highlighting the narrowness in our way of thinking. we have to look at the bigger picture before stating any claims. ok enough said...so till the next update...the bigger picture moves the world of mankind.

October 19, 2004

ramblings

it's been awhile..so tought of updating! lazy lazy lazy. the four letter word which also should be omitted from my vocabulary. i've been relaxing and slacking like mad since the start of term. i guess it must be the thought of going home soon and that this whole year will be coming to an end soon. another new life waiting ahead. one filled with new adventures and new experiences. but yet no matter how attractive and fresh these new 'discoveries' may be, i don't want to leave all the people i have met here. bet a few eyes will be teary after the first of december. omg i didn't know valedictory is going to be such a formal event! i mean there's even a dress code and all! ok...i guess i sound kind of 'ulu' now. oh oh i can't wait for the prom! just can't wait to get all dressy and all. ok now sounding so bimbo! getting into my drama role...the bimbo mum of the century! i think i'l be laughing at myself on stage. nvm..a role different from other roles i have played. venturing into the unknown...into the undiscovered me. haha..ok enough drama. ok i have nothing else worth saying...i have been rambling nonsense anyway...so before the next update....great spirits are always violently opposed by mediocre minds.

October 03, 2004

jonathan rhys meyers

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS IS HOT!! his eyes are just so intense looking. he has this brooding look that can just make me melt! he is why i love irish guys. hot, hot, hot! loved him bend it like beckham and completely adored him in vanity fair. words just cannot describe how hot and sexy his eyes are!! haha...ok i sound like a small teenage girl going goo goo gaa gaa over a boy band. haih...never will i ever meet a guy with that kind of gaze and look. wait...should i believe in hope? if i do then woohoo! light does shine in my life. haha..

had a fun day yesterday at st kilda..well maybe it wasn't filled with activity and all that but we did do a lot of walking and photo taking. oh my goodness..we are all officially e.g's to the max!! haha...erm it's an inside joke but krystle would know what it means. i mean we did the charlie's angels pose right in the middle of a pathway which was filled with people..not a deserted one but a busy one! how thick skinned are we man?! haha..but it was fun all the same. and of course photo taking would not be complete without the 'self potraits' initiated by ahma! her ever famous photo taking style. :) did manage to get some sun rays on my skin but not enough to give back my skin the healthy brown glow. damn it. when i get back to m'sia to the pool i go. never knew that the warmth and sun can be so inviting! now i understand the europeans hunger for the sun. i never did until now. oh ya we went to get imran's suit for the prom too. not bad la. can do for the night. the prize for the rent was reasonable too. the gowns on sale at that shop was fabulous! they were gorgeous! wouldn't mind renting one actually...that is if i had a date! nvm going as a singleton isn't that bad. it's the company that matters but i don't think i'll be having any problems with that. good friends equals good company.

i can't wait to go back home. can't wait to be able to sleep in my own room for at least more than the pathetic two weeks but have to be back by mid feb. that's just so awful! that's so little time to spend with family and friends. haih...getting a paper qualification comes first i guess. life can be so hectic at times. i do feel like stopping and giving it all up sometimes but then the world still continues to spin on its axis and other people still go about doing their thing. so i have no choice but pick myself up again and continue the rat race. actually i don't even think there is a possibility of ever stopping to rest. one responsilibity just leads on to another. nothing ever ends. i guess that's why the phrase 'circle of life' is used. a inevitable cycle we all have to undertake. i think that's why peserverence and determination are such vital qualities to survive in the world today. without them we would just crumble and fall.

ok i think that's enough rambling for the day. till the next update.....jonathan ryhs meyers is hot! hehe :)

October 01, 2004

immortality

after almost a week of silence i have decided to break it. holidays have just come and gone. not looking forward to going back to the studying and maths stress! this is what i don't like about school/college/uni life. once a big exam burden has been lifted u are bogged down by another! the stress of being a student. one thing to look forward to this term...graduation! can't wait to finally close another chapter to my schooling life. but i will definately miss the people i have become so close to. anyway...the future is something i am looking forward to. there's somethings u just want to leave behind and start anew.

nothing interesting to post. my mind is just an array of thoughts...nothing really substantial and necessary to be put down in writing. actually this blog is kind of a hisorical site don't u think? i mean everything i have been through, felt, thought, done in the past are all written and recorded here. it's like something people would do in the past when history needed recording. jotting down thoughts an happenings of oneself to form an immortal u. hmm...so long as men can breathe or eyes can see, so long lives this, and this gives life to thee....in this case this gives life to me! isn't it so true. immortally gained within the pages of a book, within the posts of a blog! haha... it does give a sense of comfort doesn't it? i guess everyone wants to be remembered after death. not having a single memory of oneself in the minds of others after death can be extremely frightening. it's as if u never even existed on the face of the earth! being invisible and visible at the same time...chilling thought... actually it's not chilling but rather it's a case of loneliness and rejection...or it could be a case of loneliness and falseness. not everyone is the true friend they crack up to be. even i myself must admit my folly. i have put on a facade in front of certain people...acting, hiding behind the mask of smiles and amiability.

ok i think that's enough for one post. till the next update....noone is true to u except urself.

September 25, 2004

from students to tourists

well the holidays have been fairly interesting. have swicthed roles from being a student to being a 'ulu' looking tourist. i have been visiting places such as the national art gallery and the melbourne aquarium...the thought running through your head now must be...hmmm..interesting? haha...actually it was kind of fun but this simulator ride in the aquarium was a tad bit upsetting. it was suppose to be a ride filled with turbulence and thrill..but it was an utter disappointment! never believe anything u read! learnt that lesson the hard way. imran was sitting next to me and he was saying 'kurap la' throughout the ride. so true! haha..i hope the trip to the IMAX theatre next week won't be a disappointment. 14 bucks man! besides the visiting of places...i've assimilated into the role of 'tourist' by posing ridiculously in front of a metal propeller, a giant bronze statue of a fat man and other embarassing poses thanks to the photographer...my dear imran abdullah. but what the heck! i am a tourist..theoractically. anyway holidays will never be complete without the ocassional shopping sprees which i have been going on quite frequently actually..hehe. i jsut can't help myself when i see great bargains i just go all fuzzy inside and this voice inside me will urge me to buy and buy. ok..maybe that's an exargeration. i do control my spending...but a girl cannot resist a good bargain, can she? in actual fact i am on a shopping mission...to buy hair acessories, shoes and a gown...bet you can guess the reason behind the spending. ;P tomorrow we'll be going to bridge road so there goes my money again. nvm..when college starts i will stop the shopping too....hopefully.

new skin for my blog..if you haven't notices..duh! just couldn't stand the old one..too boring. i need changes in my life! haha..ok..getting dramatic again. till the next time this slow moving blog is updated.....whispers say so much.

September 13, 2004

misery brought by carelessness

maths over today. thank goodness. well the paper wasn't as hard. i finally manage to master the methods of integration in a day..so not bad la. pretty happy with myself except for that BLOODY PERMUTATION QUESTION! i was so careless!! sure cannot get 96% average already for this term. haih..nvm what's done is done. can't help it. argh! feel like punching myself in the head man. how could i be so careless?! okok enough lamenting...i know i'm going to be a pain for my friends...i think i have been after the amths paper...hehe...SORRY! ok i will stop.

for the record...my feelings have diminished for a person....and now all i feel is pure contentment with my current life..with friends i can't live without and my dear sis by my side.but i still cherish the footprints he has left in my heart...

until the next time i update this blog....people walk in and out of our lives and leave behind unforgettable footprints.

September 04, 2004

just some things

there's just some things u can't tell others
there's just some things u can't put down into words
there's just some things not meant to be heard
only just heard by ur heart alone
it's these things which haunt my thoughts
causes me to fall
fall into the graps of the dark
as it envelopes my mind
envelopes my very sense
i can't think but just feel
emotions oblivious to reason and logic
just the heart giving them purpose and meaning
no matter how hard
no matter how strong
my mind ought to be
the heart takes control and leaves me
leaves me in rage, jealousy, pain
leaves me in tears....

September 01, 2004

love or like?

~> Difference between the one you like and the one you love <~
In front of the person you like, your heart beats faster But in front of the person you love, you get happy. In front of the person you love, winter seems like spring. But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter. If you look into the eyes of the one you like, you blush. But if you look into the eyes of the one you love, you smile. In front of the person you like, you can't say everything on your mind. But in front of the person you love, you can. In front of the person you like, you tend to get shy. But in front of the person you love, you can show your own self. You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you like. But you can always smile and stare into the eyes of the one you love. But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting. When the one you love is crying, you cry with them. The feeling of like starts from the ear. But the feeling of love starts from the eye. So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need to do is cover your ears. But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart forever.

just read the above from a bulletin on my friendster...meaningful and true. this is a passage for u to read and reflect. hopefully it will clear up some of ur feelings and confusion.

like is temporary
like is lust
like is changable
like is only now

the contrast

love is solid
love is true
love is binding
love is timeless

i have been feeling kinda in the lovey dovey stuff since i am under it's spell...haha...ok maybe not love..i think it's just an infatuation. i think the short stanza i wrote in my last posting kinda explains my feelings now. i'm just filled with this need for assurance...for confirmation but i doubt i will ever get it. it will never be. this will be one question i will never be able to find the answer to...unless of course 'he' gives a response..which i so totally believe will NOT happen. haih...and there's soome complications involved too. will not go into them now. i shall just give up and let destiny takes it's course...if fate has decided for it to happen it will. it's times like these when u have to rely on fate and destiny...as a consolation to ones feelings. haha...i sound so pathetic! ok enough of nonsense...till the next posting.....pondering just brings confusion and depression.

August 31, 2004

MERDEKA! MERDEKA! MERDEKA!

so were the three words shouted by tunku abdul rahman as the union jack was replaced by our own jalur gemilang. what an impact this one occasion had on the future of malaysia. imagine the merdeka stadium filled with citizens of malaysia...chinese, indian, malays, penjabi, peranakan, sabahans, sarawakians and so on...shouting along with the tunku. imagine the overwhelming feeling..the energy in the stadium...hmm....31st august 1957...the unforgettable date in the minds of all malaysians...

this sudden surge of patriotism in my veins is unexplainable. i guess it must be the feeling of being away from my home land...it just makes me more patriotic and i cherish all things malaysian even more. i miss pisang goreng, mamaks, pasar malam, and everything which makes malaysia malaysia. never mind...home is just a flight away..and i'll be leaving on the plane in a few months time. it's kind of depressing when i dream of my room but i awake in another. haha..okok..no more sadness. the blue bird is singing on my shoulder...haha...i wish! exam is just two weeks away and i'm still sitting on my laurels! this is not good. have to get into momentum! i cannot afford to screw this exam up. will cost me just too much. i am looking at a future in the medical profession or the engineering field. so have to strive for it.

hmm....my muse has left me. i have nothing else to blog. i'm just blogging for the sake of having a posting on a historical date..hehe...so i've done that and i shall leave u with this 'till the next time the muse comes knocking on my door....

we connect in conversation
we connect in thoughts
but will this connect our very being?
will this be 'it'?
another may be in ur heart
does this matter to me?
i have never felt this crazy!

HAPPY 47TH MERDEKA DAY MALAYSIA!




August 27, 2004

the art of love

~the art of love is largely the art of persistence~
albert ellis

this quote really struck me. i mean it is so true. every single word of it is so true. just look at the courting game...persistence and determination most often leads a guy or gal to 'victory'.haha...making it sound so dramatic. but i think it is true. guys better take heed..haha...if u want her go get her! don't give up! oh wait...give up when u know she has no interest whatsoever in u cause then u'll be only wasting ur energy and u'll just be hitting ur head against a wall. ok enough about love.

nothing really happened since the last time i blogged. i guess the only real relief was the handing up of the HOI essay. phew..a huge burden finally lifted from my tired shouders. man..i'm so dramatic! haha..that's whaat zoe always complains about me..being over dramatic about things...can't help it..it's just me. however this does bring about my weakness...feeling too much. it just makes me so emotional at times... i just hate it when it happens. feeling too intensely for something or someone just makes u go through so much emotional turmoil. it's just so draining. but i have the saints to thank...oh and the pakcik. always there to lend a hearing ear no matter what time of the day. a big thank you! i'm feeling guilty right now over what i'm feeling for someone...don't want to mention names or leave any hints now...damn it! i have to control this..i just have to...he may already have someone else...okok...i should uphold the angels' motto "no time for boys"! haha...girls..we shold wear 'the' t-shirt at the same time one day. i must live by this motto! enough nonsense and blabber from the blabber queen. till the next time i post again.....the heart is a vulnerable thing.

August 12, 2004

the 'beauty' of life

hoi tute this week really brought up a thought provoking question....is beauty fabricated? is it an invention of man for the benefit of man?(man as in human not the gender) it is arguable that the recognition and perception of beauty is innate but how far is that true? i think pictures and images placed into our minds by society and culture does influence our perception of beauty-physical beauty not inner beauty. the whole game of attraction between the opposite sex is based on superficial aspects. what makes you approach a guy/gal whom you've never even talked to before? physical attraction. you never see a girl who is obese, 'not pretty' being approached by anyone. why is the world so unfair. i guess this is why i love the movie shallow hal. but will that ever happen in the real world? i have lost hope for the male race nowadays. unless i witness something to prove me wrong, to me the world has always and will always revolve around the physical things. sad but true. i am willing to change my view....one day.

i have a fear...a fear of uncertainty. i don't know why but i do. someone once asked me why do i not like to get involved with a person...and i answered bacause of the uncertainty of it. i guess the uncertainty i'm referring to is the emotional uncertainty. how long will the relationship last? at this age, marridge will obviously not be on the list. so how far will it go? how far can it go? is there any use of getting involve then anyway? i think the answers most people will give is 'it's the experience of it that counts'. what experience? the experience of rejection? the experience of commitment? the experience of courtship? what experience??? how does it help anyway? it just makes u go into depression and u'll be hurting inside and at the same time hurting others. i really don't see the purpose of getting into a relationship. haih....but i guess nature works in mysterious ways....the journey of life involves ups and downs...the ups, bringing joy and happiness...the downs, bringing strength and hope.

August 07, 2004

dilemma

another unproductive week...ok maybe not so much..i did manage to gather hoi info and my drama group finally manage to finish up our srcipt. it's coming along great. can't wait to put into action. being involved in a stage performance has always been kind of a fantasy of mine...i mean a real big stage production..where there're actual directors, actual casting, actual backstage team and stuff. i'd be in heaven if i actually do get to be involved in one, one of these days..... this just rings a bell..there was one stage in my teenage life where i actually told my dad i wanted to take up drama as a major..a total swing from my medical dream...haha...i don't really know what struck me but i think it must have been the number of theatre performances i watched during that time. i really was wondering of changing my course..from the science to the arts. my dad was like "no way am i sending you to the uni to become an actor!" haha...he said that jokingly la. but i did have a sudden passionate surge for performing arts. realistically i will not be able to survive in the real world with just a degree in the performing arts..haha. i know my capabilities...i have reached a compromise with the scientific and analytical side of me with the dramatic side of me...i will take up drama as a sideline thing whilst studying medicine or engineering.

last night while we gals were having a pillow talk session...this question popped up in my mind...if u're still a spinster/a bachelor when u're let's see 45+, late middle ages, and u're still a virgin...would u take the chance and get a one night stand just to experience sex? oh and another question...will you put your future partner through a stream of blood tests before agreeing to marridge? for me, the blood test will be of utmost importance...especially in this day and age. he may have some genetic disorder...it helps to know if he does then at least we can try our best to prevent it from being passed on to our kids..or maybe not even have kids of our own to prevent it. hmm....but in actual fact i can't see myself getting married and having kids...that kind of future has never crossed my mind..i better not say anything just yet..never know what will happen in the future..haha the other question about old age virginity...'old age virginity'..haha..sounds so weird...sounds like an old age syndrome or something. that is a hard question to answer...i don't even know what my answer will be...it's a 50, 50 thing for me i guess....or maybe a 70-no, 30-yes....i really don't know.

enough 'probing' questions..haha..if they even are....going to fill my tummy with food now...till next time...happy reading my past postings..haha...u know me..i take really long to update my blog.


August 04, 2004

my desire...emotional peace

nothing much to write nowadays...everyday has been uneventful. workload piling up but i just don't have the drive to do anything. just want to go back up to the mountains and sit.. listening to the wind in my ear and feel the cold on my cheeks. sometimes solitude is the next best thing to having a listening ear...kind of contradicting but i am person full of contradiction. i guess we all are no matter how hard we try to practice what we preach. humans are just so flawed. we are the most flawed creatures on earth. sometimes i just get so disillutioned with humans...including myself...what's the purpose of us living? our purpose on earth is exactly like our other fellow inhabitants of the world...we live, survive, procreate, nuture, die. what is the use of all things material? what's the use of a piece of paper as our so called qualification? what's the use of having a schedualed life? our parents are just two people who 'made' us...but yet why do we have such a strong, deep affection for them? friends are just strangers...organisms of the same species...but yet why do we have close friends....why do have cliques?

then of course i see the clothes i'm wearing, the laptop i am typing on right now, the love of parents and how much i actually rely on them..makes me ashamed of having such thoughts..of having doubts of living. i guess studying and later on, working is just a form of survival for the human race as intraspecies and interspecies killing is a form of survival for the animal kingdom. inner peace is what i am seeking for right now...i will only be able to achieve it when i have learnt to distant myself from emotions which bring the fall of man...make myelf immune from them..jealousy, attraction, depression, sadness..emotions which bring the worst out of man...emotions which causes unwanted inner conflict...emotions which have caused the greatest wars. inner peace...

August 01, 2004

a role as an outsider

finally decided to update my blog. been too lazy and uninspired to write. well one piece of very good news to tell....MY GROUP, THE SAINTS, WON THE THEATRE SPORTS CHAMPIONSHIP!
can't believe it. the prize was just a badge...erm..not a really fantastic prize but what the heck..haha..but the guys, imran and clement, really made my day. the roses were great! smelt great too! i guess they do look and smell extra good cause it came from ur hearts guys! love u two loads!

have you ever wondered whether your past will ever haunt you? i know it sounds totally cliche..but have you ever wondered.... i have tried to forget..but i don't think i'll ever be able to. i don't think i'd be able to maintain my composure if i see the reality before my eyes. my past feelings will definately come back to haunt me...to strike pain into my heart again. i don't want to see it..i don't want to see the truth but it is glaring at me straight in my face. can't hide from it...my only option is to hide behind my facade of happiness...behind my smile and just keep my mind off it. just turn an eye when i see it...just turn my head the other way...just pretend...

the world's a stage and we are merely players..playing our parts...i totally agree with this...this is the realistic view of life...the roles we play... the 'scripts' we have to follow...every line...every action...predetermined...out of our control....will this play ever end?

July 26, 2004

just once

i have seen the true colours of people and i am sorry to say that it ain't as pretty as i thought it would be. yeah, sure people are not perfect but this goes beyond imperfection..this is just plain insensitivity and having an ego bigger than their heads. i just wish that these people will receive their own medicine..i hope it stings them..then at least they will learn to have some empathy or if that's too much to ask maybe just learn to think before speaking.

sometimes i know i lash out at people..but that's just because thier ego just needs a pricking! i am a hypocrite when it comes to giving people back their own medicine. i know it's wrong but i just can't stand it! these people will never learn unless they themselves feel the hurt and sting of words. the thing is i always feel damn guilty after doing that! i shouldn't but i do! guilt just makes the victim a winner.

sorry is a word hardly said by you
sorry hardly leaves your lips
is it hard to say i'm sorry?
or is your ego just to big for it?

hope fills my heart
that one day you'll feel
you'll feel the wonders of apology
the lifting of a burdened heart
just by uttering the word - sorry

come down from your high horse
just once
just once feel the hurt you have caused
just once say you're sorry

July 22, 2004

what is life without feelings

having false hope...that's what i'm going through now. the only feeling keeping me afloat in all the depression is clinging on to the feeling of having false hope. haih...i will never be able to forget...i can hide it but not forget it. what the heck! the year is about to come to an end soon..i mean time does fly. then i'll be able to start anew in a new environment and with new people. can't wait to start uni. oh well...

life
filled with uncertainties and chance
filled with possibilities and miracles
so unpredictable it is
but yet we embrace it
we live it
we are it

 

July 19, 2004

thank you

just had a good workout after a full half a day at college. i just love working-out. love the feeling of burning and sweating. it makes me think of my problems and i just punch and kick them away..... all the frustration, pain, confusion and anger. i guess that's what makes me so discipline when it comes to exercising. it gives me some private time to think about things..just listening to my breath...concentrating on my moves. i think maybe that's why i prefer to swim as a form of exercise cause the only sound u'll hear is the voice in ur head. as much as i love these moments of solitude i am very grateful i have friends who are so supportive and they just make me laugh. like they say laughter is the best medicine. imran and his pak cik-ness, christina and her sex craziness, clement and his 'i'm too sexy for this car'-ness and my bestest and closest friend..my twin sis. i just love all them so much and i am so thankful for having them with me here in this alien country. i think my experience here in trinity would have been so different without them by my side. okok...i think i'm getting a bit too melancholic here.
 
well the one good thing was my results for last term. i'm quite happy with them and i hope i can continue the same performance this term....this term being a more demanding one! ARGH!!! oh..something to lament about..my dream guy is not in my chemistry tute anymore!!! so saddening!! cannot think about it..no time for guys now! must concentrate on achieving 96%! enough nonsense. i'll face tomorrow with a positive outlook and determination. CARPE DIEM!
 

July 16, 2004

to a friend

words cut
words hurt
sorry i say
to any hearts i have stabbed
with my insensitive words
to one soul i especially plea
my words of apology

this i cannot prove
but intuition tells me
behind your facade of smiles
i do see anger
i do feel the distance

if my words caused this fate
evoked the wrath in you
i truly apologize
forgiveness in words
are not what i am asking
just a sense of closeness is all i need
as a sign of acceptance
of this apology



July 12, 2004

back but missing home

back to the books now and also the results of last term's exams. nervous and scared to receive results. sometimes i wonder whether i should have stayed back home and did a levels instead cause then at least my results would only be in a's and b's but now...SCORES MATTER!! aiyo...96%!!!! how in the world am i gonna achieve that?! well i received my eap results this morning..not bad la. hopefully can get above 80 to pass the language hurdle required for medicine. eventhough it's back to books and classes and lectures i still feel like i am on long holiday. just can't get use to the reality that i am actually living and studying in a foreign land.

just a day back here and i'm already missing the things back home. i miss not having to decide where and what my next meal will be..i miss being driven around by my dad in his megane..i miss being in my own house..i miss the food..i miss having everyone i know and love near me..haih...i have to be optimistic, pick up the momentum again. can't afford to slack now.

won't write a long blog today. just posting out of boredom.

July 06, 2004

*blah* *blah* *blah*

glad to know that i'm not the only person who hasn't updated the blog for ages..hehe i shall break away from that group and update my blog!! haha..this is so lame! sorry to you who's reading this..i'm just not in the 'writing interesting post' mood now. words are just not flowing out of my mind. i guess i shall stick to the norm and write about my days back in m'sia! well one thing which is definately not surprising is my non-stop eating ever since touch down on m'sian soil. this is a very bad thing! haha...just cannot resist the GOOD FOOD! oh..going to port dickson on tuesday! i'm gonna soak up the sun! i can't believe how fair i've gotten! it's just disgraceful! haha.. oh well..have to take full advantage of the sun before getting back to the gloom and cold of melbourne.

i've watched SHREK 2!!!! yay!!! it was ssooo good! definately i must see! it was just so funny and ppl who haven't watched it yet..make sure u stay seated until the credits are over..a little extra something at the end which u will totally regret missing. puss in boots is a total cutey! he's just such an adorable kitty! watched spiderman 2 too. not as good as the first. i found it kind of long-winded. but i guess this sequel was meant to highlight the conflicted soul of peter parker. haha..ok enough movie reviews.

oh recently heard a new song by micheal leanrs to rock, take me to your heart. it's actually a chinese song by jackie cheung translated into english. the melody of it is so distinctively chinese song-ish. the lyrics are so mushy..haha..but romantic la. mushiness can be at times romantic if said by the right person ;) haha.. okok enough blabbering from me! to all trinity mates...see ya all in a week's time and enjoy the remaining hols!

June 24, 2004

one more to go

one more paper to go! maths 2 today was a disappointment...it was definately NOT like the past year papers! i spent the last 45 minutes cracking my brains over two questions..each worth 7 MARKS!!! even after 45 minutes i doubt my answers were correct. there goes 14 marks from my paper...haih... i hope and pray sasha will be generous with his marking. hmph..now i have to study for chem. another day and i'll be jumping and shouting for joy before reality hits me in the face...term 3 is just round the corner..meaning more essays to slog over and more exams! the never ending torture of student life...

June 22, 2004

curahan perasaan terpendam

thoughts just came streaming into my mind last night...depressing ones. how do u shut yourself from feelings which hurt u? how do u overcome the ache and the pain u feel? at times i feel like i'm in a shell...hiding away from the person who caused the pain...then at times i peep out of it but something happens and i withdraw again into that shell. i think i'll never be able to come out of it unless someone comes along to break it. my feelings run too deep in me to be erased by time. haih...i shall remain my distance and continue to admire that person from afar...it doesn't matter if he has someone else in his heart...the satisfaction comes from seeing him find the one he loves..seeing him find happiness. i shall use my shell to block all emotions from revealing themselves...he deserves what he wants.

inilah takdirku. aku tidak akan dapat merasa cintanya menyelebungi diriku, tidak akan dapat menikmati keindahan cinta. kini hatiku hanyalah penuh dengan duka, duka yang terpendam, duka yang terukir dalam hati dan mindaku. curahan perasaanku tidak mungkin berlaku...hatinya bukanlah milikku. aku hanya berdaya memerhati dari jauh, hanya berdaya membisik namanya dalam mimpiku...betapa besarnya keinginanku untuk megembalikan masa yang telah berlalu...duka akan menjadi keriangan..tapi..itulah tidak mungkin berlaku. kini aku hanya tertinggal dengan memori...

those of u who do not understand malay...i apologize. i just had the sudden urge to express myself in malay. i shall think of happy thoughts to get through the day...happy thoughts...

June 21, 2004

the dreaded paper is next!

MATHS IS OVER! yay!! a huge weight has been lifted off my mind...oh but it returns with the thought of LITERATURE being the next paper! ok...i won't complain about it - happy, imran? maths today was ok. wouldn't call it a walk in the park though. there were a few graph questions which stumped me. argh! graphs! never liked them and never will. with graphs u never know whether what u've sketched is correct or not. i hate being uncertain especially for a maths paper. uncertainty equals mistakes equals failure. i know for certain i'll be losing a few marks here and there. haih..oh well sat for it, done it, now i just have to psyche myself for the next paper...the dreaded literature paper!! i hate to write...maybe because i'm not good at it. i never can pour words out onto paper with ease and without having to crack my brain to try to express myself. i find it so hard. i really admire people who have the gift of writing. i worship them..haha..

less than a week to take off! can't wait! can't wait for chemistry to be over cause immediately after that to shops i go! haha...have to go on a massive shopping spree for friends and family. this time i will write down the whole list of things i have to buy so i won't go off track like the other time...hehe...christina are u reading this? my dad has already given a list of things he wants me to get him eg. fertilizer...hmm....fertilizer?! haha..he's into gardening and his garden is his pride and joy so "importing" the fertilizer back would make him happy. and as long as he is happy i am happy. hmm...this just made a thought spring into mind...have i been doing whatver i am doing now for the sake of my parents or for myself? i guess it'll be for both. if i don't succeed i'll just disappoint myself and my parents to. so...i guess it's for both. actually...when i think about it i am very lucky to have parents like them. they never impose their ideas onto me. most of the time they just let me do whatever i want at my own pace never demanding me to study or to take lessons which i don't have any interest in.. but obviously they do occasionally remind me by bringing up this question..'do u want to sweep the roads in the future?' haha..i guess that idea of sweeping the roads in the future have left an impact on me...i think it has kind of moulded the person i am today..an over achiever..as what my friends call me. u can't blame me!! i don't want to end up sweeping the roads when i grow up! haha..:0)

ok..i think this is enough blogging for today. still in the middle of exams! spending too much time on the comp is a no no!

June 19, 2004

the forbidden four letter word...W.O.R.K

WORK!! can't stand that word. why does it have to be in my vocabulary? haha...i'm so lazy to do anything eventhough i am aware that i am in the middle of the exam week! this is bad...the temptation to do anything else but work has defeated my will power to say 'NO'. haha..explains why i'm sitting in front of the comp now typing this post. i have imran and clement to blame for this sudden addiction to refine the details on my blog! they just had to introduce me to this new fad! they just had to! haha...

one down four to go! eap's over so one less worry one my mind. now i have to force myself to work on my lit! why was literature made into a studying suject?!?! it's torture! the appreciation and understanding of literature should not be related to exams and marks! haih...i guess this is just one of those things...the facts of school life. this is terrible...i should not lament and just get down to business. sometimes i think i whine and whinge too much... but on second thoughts i find it as a way of getting rid of all the negative vibes in me...if that makes any sense... do emit certain vibes?hmm...i wonder...

i think i should get back to my books. enough nonsense from me.

June 18, 2004

the power of girl power

tadaa...this is my first self-created blog!! not bad for a start..at least christina says it's better then the initial one created by CLEMENT for me!! haha..proves that GIRL POWER RULEZ!!! okok...being a feminist here..argh!! exams officially goes into momentum tomorrow!! imagine...on a saturday! this is the first ever saturday i'll be sitting, with sweating palms and a drained brain, in a exam hall on a weekend! i am so not looking forward to it. oh..but on the bright side it means i'll be a day closer to 'zero hour'!! i can almost hear the stewardess saying,'please remain seated upright as we prepare for take off'...can't wait!! i'm dying to taste the unhealthy ghee of thosai, taste the wonderful aromatic teh tarik and i'm extremely in need of a PROPER MEAL!! oh my..this is not good...i'm thinking too much of food!! the calories! the weight gain! argh!!! hahaha...but what the heck...i should live by the motto of living to eat not eating to live..haha..what's life without occassionally exciting your taste buds. oops..i think i have over spent my allowed time on the net for an exam eve night. have to do some last minute reading then it's the bed for me! i wish myself all the luck for the exams! haha..